Xanga is dead.

Long live http://www.livejournal.com/users/peachpitshake/ 

The days are blending in together again.

Mike raped Mackenzie. I knew it would happen, and I kept telling her it would. She's denying it, and I don't know what to do. 18 year old boys are bad.

I love my friends and I love Alex's parties. If Izzy and I weren't straight, I'd want to be her lezzie lover. Me, her and John always snuggling and jumping on each other and sitting on each other's laps and licking each other's cheeks while all the boys in the room watch us and feel jealous. When I'm with them, I feel better and I feel good and I'm glad I haven't offed myself. They make me not want to do it, so I wish they'd stay in my mind forever, but everything leaves me in those moments.

The best part about right now is that I don't have to do anything. Christmas break, and all I've gotta do is stay away from the HUGE amount of food in the house and I'm good and that's easier than breathing. I just imagine everything I shouldn't eat tastes like beef and I feel nauseous and can't eat it. Aaaaand now that I've been officially accepted into college, school's like nothing for the rest of the year. Hah! I feel happyyyyyyyyy. I'm always full of love in the mornings for everything.

I'm going through a bit ouf withdrawal this mornign because I haven't had my anti depressant drugs today. I can't type or see very good and the light hurt s my eyes a lot. I'm really gcold Myu heart's beating really fast too and I can't concentrate on anything for more than a few mintues and my whole body's all tensed up. God I hate druges and I hate being without em. I;m afraid to talk to all the girls in the other room because it's like I'll say something really dumb or assholeish. I'm afraid to go with my group and make the videos because I'm AFRAID OF PEOPLE TODAUY. I am everyday actually. God, people scare me. I dunno why. I can't talk to them or leave the house to hang out with them and I can't do it because I'm scared and I dunno why. I just sit here and home and do nothing. Why am I so scared? I want them to like meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee and I'll never get a boyfriend if I'm so freakin afraid of people likeing me.

I'm sooooooooooo cold

I'm hurting all the time now because of exercising. I can't walk because my knees are too stiff and I can't bend much because my back and neck ache, but still I exercise. That'll be my new thing for now. It's always gotta be something destructive. Every single addiction I get ends up hurting me in some way or another, and I drink it all up.

Any addiction. I've got tons. But why? Why do I try to do it? What's not being satisfied? I think it's just human nature. Because we're conscious, because we're aware, because we associate, we spend all our lives trying to get rid of it all. We're too sentient for our own good. Without language and associations, we'd be free. There'd be no sadness or bad days. We wouldn't spend every single fucking moment of our lives trying to escape what we know and find peace. And that's all my addictions are. Trying to get rid of what's in my head and just live in the real world. No needless thought or complications. Just living. If I can't cure myself, then I'm doomed to spend the rest of my life killing myself so I can just be alive.